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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Survivor Guilt

Hope talked to her China family this morning. She didn’t really expound about much until dinner when she shared that her older sister (who was brought into the home to replace her) told her that all of her friends in China are angry with her because she doesn’t talk to them. She also told Hope that her younger sister was doing so much and that Hope was missing it all. Finally she asked Hope “Why you?” She said that she turned 14 and no one wanted her and no one adopted her at the last minute (like what happened to Hope) so why Hope?
It seemed that those questions were reverberating in Hope’s mind all day. At dinner she asked us over and over “Why me?” and asked us to retell the path we took to her. She asked us how we could love her before we even met her and what if she was naughty? What then?  She asked why we couldn’t adopt her sisters and her friends too.
All of our answers felt vague in concept, kind of like asking her to hold onto a cloud. We kept on telling her that God brought her to us, first to our eyes, then to our hearts, and finally to our family. We told her that we could love her before we met her because that is what parents to for all their children. We explained that we were able to love her because God first loved us; that even when she didn’t know us or was rejecting us and thinking we were the enemy our hearts were overflowing with love for her and we pursued her until she decided to turn two us, just like God loved us before we knew him and even when we were his enemy. We sadly told her that we were not able to adopt all of her foster siblings and friends, just because it was not possible.
Which got me thinking…
What if we did adopt again?
(David doesn’t like this line of thinking.)
So I have petitioned God to change our hearts to be like HIS, to turn around our mindsets and to have the desires HE wants us to have.
All the kids know my heart. David knows my heart. Most importantly, God knows my heart. And I will learn to be satisfied with what HE has planned for me. For us.
It seems that I too am experiencing survivor guilt. I have been blessed with so much. There is SO MUCH need out there! How can I say that I have done enough? When will we have the family God planned for us?  Six kids? Seven? Ten?
Although I don’t know the answers, I do know that before Hope went to bed she hugged me and told me that she was so glad that I was her mom. I am too.
And that is enough thinking for one night.
All my best, Amy