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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Broken, but not Crushed

OK, today wasn't anything "abnormal" but that doesn't mean good.
AM as usual, wake-up, clean up, and breakfast. Amanda chose all pastries--that was fine, as yesterday was all meat. Weekly average, ya know?
We left immediately following breakfast for Dave's co-worker's house. He is an American, left US after college for China, learned the language and found a wife. Now lives in Shanghai with two kids and his in-laws live with him. The kids are off school so he invited us to spend the day.
His kids played and my kids watched, but it was different from the hotel, so it was ok. Other than the fact that their water was turned off for the day, which I found out AFTER I had a BM in their toilet. Had I known... :)
How's that for transparency!??!
Afterward, we went to Dave's  company's New year's party that started with Karaoke. HUGE here, the place was massive! My girls were well behaved and endured 3 hours of other people singing.
Upon a suggestion of a friend in Shanghai, we went to a grocery to buy Chinese snacks for the US. Comfort food for when we return home, although Hope decided that she wouldn't want ANYTHING. Amanda chose a few items, I chose more. Once again, upon the suggestion of my Chinese friend, I wanted Hope to choose some feminine products in case she needed them before we returned home.  At that point we  hit our lowest level. If she thought she could take me, I really think she would have assaulted me in the store! Thank God that I can lift more than the average Chinese male, which gave me the upper hand!!!
Hope no longer tolerates me--she treats me with utter disdain. She forcefully pulls away from me and refuses to look at me. There is blatant rejection.
I knew about this. It isn't a surprise. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
By the grace of God I have been able to hold on, demonstrating love when my flesh wants to recoil.
If God didn't show himself clearly, I  would seriously consider granting her wish to stay here.
However, I am in THE MOTHER MODE. When I was told to let my other daughter be, let her embrace being "average", let her follow the path of "less than", I held my ground for both me and her. Now I am doing the same. Hope may be thinking she wants to stay "how it was", but since I know that is bu sing, excuse me, impossible, I will hold on long enough and strong enough for the both of us. I KNOW that God orchestrated this adoption. I KNOW it wasn't an emotional response of my own doing. I knew back then that I would have to depend on that the rubber meets the road.
Amanda is presently rejecting David and clinging to me. I like it, but yet am exhausted by it at the same time. She is not an easy child. Hannah will feel challenged by her for quite some time. I pray that they will become friends as well as sisters, but I anticipate the road to be rocky.
Tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou in the afternoon. I hope to take Amanda swimming in the morning. I heard that it is normal for Chinese people to be deathly afraid of water if they haven't had the opportunity to immerse themselves. I see that in Hope. I don't think she has truly showered since we got her. Mandy, on the other hand, LOVES the water and is indignant that she can't have an hour bath both AM and PM!!!
I pray that God will continue to give me the grit and determination to continue to show love to Hope when everything in me is screaming to recoil and preserve.
I pray that Amanda will be saved from the anger and bitterness coming from Hope.
I pray that their TB tests on Thursday will show negative, so we can come home soon.
Until then,
All my best,

PS If anyone wants to help another adoptive parent, there is another MI mom that is desperately trying to gather the funds to get her child. I don't have the address as I am writing, but I will try to include it in another post. I believe that it is a tax-deferred donation. Every $10 helps; I know! We have incurred 2k more on this trip than anticipated, due to our wonderful US government. I am not asking for help for us anymore; if you want to help a  family in need, please let me know. Otherwise, I will include the address for donating in my next post. Think about it...2 1/2 foo-foo coffees, 3-4 packages of Oreos, 4 2L of Coke, JUST THE EXTRAS!!! Would you be willing to "fast" from a luxury for a week to help another mom? Wouldn't you want someone else to do the same?
Guilt plus Godliness---what a mix!