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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Broken, but not Crushed

OK, today wasn't anything "abnormal" but that doesn't mean good.
AM as usual, wake-up, clean up, and breakfast. Amanda chose all pastries--that was fine, as yesterday was all meat. Weekly average, ya know?
We left immediately following breakfast for Dave's co-worker's house. He is an American, left US after college for China, learned the language and found a wife. Now lives in Shanghai with two kids and his in-laws live with him. The kids are off school so he invited us to spend the day.
His kids played and my kids watched, but it was different from the hotel, so it was ok. Other than the fact that their water was turned off for the day, which I found out AFTER I had a BM in their toilet. Had I known... :)
How's that for transparency!??!
Afterward, we went to Dave's  company's New year's party that started with Karaoke. HUGE here, the place was massive! My girls were well behaved and endured 3 hours of other people singing.
Upon a suggestion of a friend in Shanghai, we went to a grocery to buy Chinese snacks for the US. Comfort food for when we return home, although Hope decided that she wouldn't want ANYTHING. Amanda chose a few items, I chose more. Once again, upon the suggestion of my Chinese friend, I wanted Hope to choose some feminine products in case she needed them before we returned home.  At that point we  hit our lowest level. If she thought she could take me, I really think she would have assaulted me in the store! Thank God that I can lift more than the average Chinese male, which gave me the upper hand!!!
Hope no longer tolerates me--she treats me with utter disdain. She forcefully pulls away from me and refuses to look at me. There is blatant rejection.
I knew about this. It isn't a surprise. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
By the grace of God I have been able to hold on, demonstrating love when my flesh wants to recoil.
If God didn't show himself clearly, I  would seriously consider granting her wish to stay here.
However, I am in THE MOTHER MODE. When I was told to let my other daughter be, let her embrace being "average", let her follow the path of "less than", I held my ground for both me and her. Now I am doing the same. Hope may be thinking she wants to stay "how it was", but since I know that is bu sing, excuse me, impossible, I will hold on long enough and strong enough for the both of us. I KNOW that God orchestrated this adoption. I KNOW it wasn't an emotional response of my own doing. I knew back then that I would have to depend on that the rubber meets the road.
Amanda is presently rejecting David and clinging to me. I like it, but yet am exhausted by it at the same time. She is not an easy child. Hannah will feel challenged by her for quite some time. I pray that they will become friends as well as sisters, but I anticipate the road to be rocky.
Tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou in the afternoon. I hope to take Amanda swimming in the morning. I heard that it is normal for Chinese people to be deathly afraid of water if they haven't had the opportunity to immerse themselves. I see that in Hope. I don't think she has truly showered since we got her. Mandy, on the other hand, LOVES the water and is indignant that she can't have an hour bath both AM and PM!!!
I pray that God will continue to give me the grit and determination to continue to show love to Hope when everything in me is screaming to recoil and preserve.
I pray that Amanda will be saved from the anger and bitterness coming from Hope.
I pray that their TB tests on Thursday will show negative, so we can come home soon.
Until then,
All my best,

PS If anyone wants to help another adoptive parent, there is another MI mom that is desperately trying to gather the funds to get her child. I don't have the address as I am writing, but I will try to include it in another post. I believe that it is a tax-deferred donation. Every $10 helps; I know! We have incurred 2k more on this trip than anticipated, due to our wonderful US government. I am not asking for help for us anymore; if you want to help a  family in need, please let me know. Otherwise, I will include the address for donating in my next post. Think about it...2 1/2 foo-foo coffees, 3-4 packages of Oreos, 4 2L of Coke, JUST THE EXTRAS!!! Would you be willing to "fast" from a luxury for a week to help another mom? Wouldn't you want someone else to do the same?
Guilt plus Godliness---what a mix!


  1. Praying! Thank you for being so open on your blog. I was in the same place a year ago when we adopted our daughter who turned 14 while we were still in China. Even thought our daughter was not very fond of me, she didn't outright reject me, but just about every day I wished I could leave her there. We came SO close to saying no in those first 24 hours. I've written about it on my blog. If you have a spare moment, read it. It might be some encouragement to see how we are a year later. It's the most recent post. I too knew we were called by God to adopt her and we could not leave her there.

  2. Sounds so much like our adoption just over 2 years ago. So hard to be rejected when you just want to love so much. Hang in there...hopefully once you head out for home things will change for the better. Our journey has been long, not always easy, but we continue to take 2 steps forward, one step backward. God is with you all the way...hang in there....Praying for you.

  3. She sounds like a rubber band being stretched beyond anything she has known. The good news is that she'll eventually snap back and your bond will be stronger for it. We are waiting for our LOA for a 12-year-old girl in Shanghai and find your blog very inspirational. Hang in there! PS, we also live in MI.

  4. I wonder what Hope would say if someone asked her why she is being mean to her mother? Do you think she is even aware of how her behavior feels to you or is she too wrapped up in her own misery?...Catherine

  5. Amy, pryers going up for you all. I have BTDT, having adopted a 14yo in Dec. '97. Just days before her 14th bday. It was not easy, nor fun. We also were adopting an 18 month old, and had our adopted 8 and 11 yo's with us. But He will see you through. Hang in there friend!!
    Barbara in CT (LCC)

  6. Hope is just temporary totally lost for numerous reasons,from temp communications problem, cultural difference shock, the unknown ahead of her ( though definitely going to be better with time from your point of view, she intuitively does not know that) etc.

    You are the wiser and stronger one,
    so hang on there.
    It can only gets better from here on.


    When Isaac became a young boy, God spoke to Abraham and commanded him to take his son to Mount Moriah and offer him as a sacrifice to God. This was God’s test of Abraham’s faith. You know this story.

    The one with the good heart will always overcome.

    Stay strong and be Hope and Amanda's
    guiding light.

    Bless you and your family

  7. Sounds like there is a lot more wrestling going on than the eye can see... she has a war going on inside of her that is for sure.

    A verse to share.... Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes (wait a minute!).... for our struggle is not against flesh and blood (YES!), but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. THEREFORE, put on the full armor of GOD, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, TO STAND! Ephesians 6:11-13
    Blessings to you!

  8. Hi Mim:

    Hang in there, big sister. Attachment wounds aren't pretty, and it's a long road to heal them, but attachment does heal, and Hope will be able to accept your love some day. Maybe not right now, maybe not next week or next month, but some day. And you are the lady with the lots of love to give her when that day comes.

    You're still wonderful to me,
    Love you,
    Mei Mei (Beth)

  9. David and Amy,
    I haven't looked at your blog since you left, tho I have been praying and wondering. I will continue with even more fervor in trust that God will keep you hoping in Him and that His love flowing through you will penetrate the hearts of your girls. May your view be full of God's mercy today and may that enable to lay your life down again each moment of today as a living sacrifice to Him as He calls you to serve these precious girls as unto Him. Praying!