A Week of Firsts!

After many attempts and persuasions, Hope finally made the plunge! She did the dip into our local swimming pool! She now loves the water, although she can’t seem to identify the surface of the water and repetitively plunks her face down and then promptly inhales.  Thankfully it is followed by laughter (and a tighter grip on me).

Mandy continues to LOVE the water—we strap on a swim belt around her middle and put a noodle under her arms, and off she goes! She doesn’t go under water yet, but it is a matter of time…she was trying to swim without the noodle last time but not succeeding very well. Thankfully I was within a few strokes to elevate her mouth above the surface of the water, but she didn’t seem to mind too much.

Last week we decided it was time to teach both the new girls and Hannah to ride a two wheel bike. Minnie started running up and down the driveway with the little ones while Dave helped Hope. I traded with Min and ran them both twice until I was too tired to handle the bike anymore. Although Hannah was fine with quitting, Mandy was NOT going to let the sun go down without mastering the bicycle! Considering she had NO balance while I was helping her, she took the next 30 minutes to teach herself and continued racing up and down the driveway with a silly grin plastered across her face. The next morning Hannah was up before dawn ready to ride her bike…and not ready to be outdone by her sister! It took considerably longer, several hours, several attempts and many tears, but Hannah learned that afternoon. Hope still couldn’t catch on, partly because she was trying to use my bike that was too big for her. Two days later Dave decided that these girls needed bikes to be a part of their Americana experience. Off to Meijer we went and 30 minutes later our new girls had new bikes. Not expensive ones, no bells or whistles, but new for them! It took a few more days and Hope was able to ride too (and only crashed into trees occasionally).

Monday marked the day of Hope’s first full day of school! I accompanied her for two lunch periods, but then she learned to go solo! She still sits by Andrew even though she has received multiple invitations from other girls. Even though she is exempt from homework (except math) she still attempts it every night. She no longer needs Hailey’s help to practice the flute. AND she changes her clothes every day! We have seen great progress!!!

How Beautiful!

Hope adores her art class! I have been so thankful that the teacher has been so accommodating, proactive, and committed to Hope’s well being. We even received a congratulations card from Hope’s art teacher, expressing her joy for us. Kathy, the art teacher, also shared with us why she is so happy and excited for us…she was adopted when she was an infant. I had the joy of sharing that with Hope, using a combination of drawings, pantomime and her dictionary. Initially Hope was confused; Kathy was an American when she was born but yet she was still adopted. I assured her that people all over the world are adopted. Hope seemed to understand and was very happy. Now she loves the art class because of what she does in it AND because of the kinship she has with her teacher.

Hope also desired to walk past her math teacher’s classroom again, just so she knows where it is and how to get to it. She is still fearful of the bald-headed teacher, but she knows that he is like her dad, loving another child enough to adopt as well.

In school a week and already we have met two people with the adoption connection. I don’t know if this is officially the “red thread” that is shared in Asian adoptions, but it is being woven together to make a beautiful tapestry by our Creator. Thank you, God!

All my best,

Amy

PS  I had mentioned that we met a woman in Guangzhou that was said she was a Catholic, and that we should pray for her. I think that I need to clarify my statement…lest I unnecessarily offend.

Michelle had said she was a Catholic but didn’t understand about Christianity. That was the part that I felt the burden to pray for her. If she had said she was Baptist, Lutheran, Mennonite, Reformed, or any other “religion” and didn’t know how Jesus fit into the picture, I would have felt the need to pray for her heart. I think we often get caught up in the names, either in a positive or negative way. I like to refer to myself as a follower of Jesus, and it is Christ alone, by faith alone that I am saved. Praise Him!

So, if I offended, please accept my apology. It was not my intention, and I hope that my heart wasn’t eclipsed by my words. J

Three weeks and counting…

This time it is counting our time home. Although I have desired to log and blog every day, every waking moment has been filled to capacity!

Both Hope and Mandy are doing very well overall. We continue to have periodic “blips” where my desires and their wills don’t match…and results in a lot of scowling, door slamming, and pouting in their rooms. (Usually by our teen more than the other!) One day Hope slept 6 hours while she was sulking and was surprised that she wasn’t tired at bedtime. I don’t know how long she was in bed before she fell asleep b/c I am usually out moments after my head hits the pillow!

Mandy and Hannah have found a good playmate in each other, although I know that Hannah misses the days of life without a virtual twin and shared attention. Hannah tries SO HARD to incorporate Mandy and gives (usually) sacrificially. Every once in a while she struggles through tears, which is better than the crying 7-8 times a day two weeks ago. Mandy’s English is coming along and she understands more than she speaks, so we usually don’t have too much of a communication problem. Pantomime is used often too. We have been “schooling” in math sums, alphabet writing and identification, and following directions.

Hope has been going to school part time this week. Actually, it has only been for an art class, but she LOVES it. She is learning to weave a rug. In a little over a week she will be in the art class for 1 ½ periods, combining the weaving with a drawing class. Mrs. Babcock has been wonderful in accommodating Hopes desires and needs, and I am very thankful. Next week Hope will be starting Rosetta Stone-English on the school computer, will start trying instruments with the band instructor to find out which one she would like to learn, and may start a math class as well. Hope is uncertain about the math, as the teacher is bald. She seems to think that makes him mean, although I assured her that he is very nice. The math teacher is also an adoptive parent, so he is a perfect choice for Hope. I couldn’t have worked it out any better—thank you God!!!

We have had so many firsts since home! The girls have sat through many swim meets, band concerts, church services, and have discovered a love of SHOPPING!!! (what a change for Hope!) They have been to a local aquatic center for swimming (Hope just watched, but Mandy went down the three-story slide!), the dentist office (no repair at this time, just a cleaning, but Mandy cried through the whole thing. Cavity repair will commence a few months from now), and Hope had a quick doctor’s visit for her cough (next week we go for their second chicken pox immunization and blood titers…ugh!).  

I have had a glimpse into Hope’s heart. One night after a swimming meet I was getting the kids into the van to go home. Hannah was trying to get Hope’s attention by repetitively saying her name: Xi Fan! Xi Fan! Xi Fan! Finally Hope turned around and told her, “I’m not Xi Fan, I’m Hope!” Again, at the dentist office I was filling out their paperwork and listed her whole name: Hope Katherine XiFan Fathman. When she saw it, she told me no while pointing to her Chinese name. I put a line through it, and she was pleased. Of course Mandy then wanted the same thing…

Finally, I have to share a quirk of Mandy’s—she loves to look at, into, through, and around EVERYTHING. She then asks me for various things—a pin, my clothing, toys, a handful of change, whatever. I usually say ok to anything she requests when she is exploring (but not anything that she could break or has a large monetary or sentimental value) but then she doesn’t want it anymore and puts it back. Even when Hannah tries to give her change, Mandy always gives it back. She is amazed that the things she identifies as “Hannah’s” are to be shared with her also. One look into our toy room and dress-up closet gives her eyes as big as saucers, especially when I try to explain that it is hers too. It is a beautiful thing to watch.

It hasn’t been easy, but it has been good. I praise God for this journey and for my family and especially for the support of my dear husband. I can’t imagine life without any of them!

All my best,

Amy

We're Back!!!!

We have been back home for two nights now, and I couldn’t be happier! We left for the airport with a VERY unhappy Hope, but somewhere in-flight she decided to leave the attitude behind. We have had a doctor’s appointment for Hope’s cough, tutorial on how to use TP for BMs, and a trip to the grocery store, and everyone has remained agreeable.
We need a trip to the dentist—THAT will not be fun or inexpensive—and the blood titers, trip to the doc for Amanda’s Hep B, etc. but those will wait for later. We start our home schooling on Monday…which should be interesting, to say the least.
Last night after I put Hannah and Amanda to bed I heard the scurry of feet in their room. When I went upstairs to check it out, Amanda was in Hannah’s bed and Hannah was reading our Baby Blues comic book to her. She pleaded for “just one more page”, which I agreed to: just one more page of Hannah practicing her reading skills, just one more page of Amanda’s increasing desire to learn to read and understand English. Not a bad deal, if I say so myself!
It feels SO GOOD to be home.
An interesting by-product of the trip is that our kids are much more appreciative of the little things we do for them. I offered to make them lunches for Friday and the round of cheers they all gave surprised me. I know it won’t last forever, but I will enjoy it while it does. J
All my best,
Amy

We're Moving OUT!

Crazy morning! We managed to pack everything we used for the past three weeks into our four bags. Dave has been trying desperately to manage things at work while trying to confirm our seats on the plane and still be a presence in our family. Delta has been giving us the run-around--they checked Dave and I in but refuse to check in the girls--they are claiming that they are "unaccompanied minors." Talk about being hot under the collar! We *think* that everything is finally worked out, but we won't know until we show up at 6:00 tomorrow morning.
Dave is out now trying to get the girls' visas from the US consulate. If he can get back in time, we can catch a 4:00 bus to Hong Kong. That way we should be at our hotel by 8:30 tonight. If not, we will get in an hour later, but it would be very nice to catch the earlier one and be in bed before 10.
Amanda is getting very comfortable asking for everything she sees and pouting when she doesn't get it. Hope still shuts down if we ask her if she wants anything. The change is not easy for Hope, and her moodiness has returned. I am SOOOOOO looking forward to having this journey to be done. We NEED to be rooted and established, with a set routine and a regular place to call home, surrounded by family. For all the promises of expediting our trip, nothing happened that really mattered, and it has been hard. BUT, it is almost over. I can honestly say that I really don't care about the unending bus and airplane trips in front of us. I just want to get HOME.
Thanks so much to everyone who has encouraged and made suggestions through this journey...and I am not just talking about our time in China. We started it over a year ago when Dave was obedient to the call on his heart, and told me that he thought we should adopt. Our path was not a straight one, but one that wound around and took the "scenic" route. Had we not taken the long way around we would have missed "meeting" so many people and so many blessings. We also would have missed Hope. I thank God that He didn't listen to my whining. I am thankful that His way is perfect. Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or has instructed him as his counselor? Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? Isaiah 40:13-14
All my best,
Amy

What was the Key?

Tuesday was a beautiful day! I know that Dave posted briefly about the swearing in for the girls, but there was so much more of the day.
I started the morning greeting the girls with a "good morning" and a smile. This was the FIRST time Hope answered "good morning" in return! Let me tell you, my heart soared at that moment!
We headed out to the zoo. We ended up going to the safari park first and then had to go back to the zoo, so we ended up riding the metro about 90 minutes more than we needed to. While switching lines, there were a LOT of pushy people, everyone wanting to get in first. There was one man in particular that was trying to run over Hope to make his way in front of us. Thankfully, I saw it coming and anticipated his move only moments before he started pushing, so instead of a soft Hope he made contact with my hard-set shoulder/arm. I then used my body to protect her from anyone else that was going to attempt to push her out of the way. It only took a moment and I didn't even think that she noticed, but when we finally got into the train, HOPE took MY arm!!! That was the first time also--she would allow me to take hers before, but she took mine!
The girls both liked the zoo at first. We met up with Kerri and her family at the zoo--we stayed about 2 hours. By the time we left for the consulate the girls (and Dave!) were whipped. Hope was scowling at this point, and even Amanda wasn't too happy. We didn't stop for lunch, but we bought breakfast at 10:30 and had been munching all morning on it. Hope requested that we buy strawberries outside the zoo, which I then proceeded to carry around, along with her drink, Amanda's drink, my water, and breakfast muffins. Even though I offered the food throughout the day, No one wanted to eat or drink. Before we went into the consulate we stopped in IKEA for a quick ice cream cone and hotdog. Hope wouldn't eat anything and was busy pushing us away again. Amanda liked the ice cream, and then we sat for 1 1/2 hours at the consulate. While there, Hope decided to eat the strawberries, which were rather bumped and bruised at that point, but the girls and I went to the bathroom to take the stems out and wash with my bottled water.
I don't know if Hope just realized that it WAS for real that she was going to become our daughter, or she finally got to rest from walking, or she got some nutrition into her, or SOMETHING, but she started smiling again. By the time we got out of there, went to Lucy's for dinner with Kerri and family, and started home, there was a part of Hope coming out that I had never seen before. Walking to the taxi, SHE grabbed my hand and laced fingers with ME! Something about her hands--she doesn't usually like us to have direct contact with them. But this night she did.
Back at the room Hope had a ball using the digital camera to take photos of her DVDs, the city from our hotel room, the TV shows, all of us, and after I showed her how, she started taking photos of herself--smiling!!! We all were laughing while being silly with each other until we turned off the lights.
I am still confused about what changed...I wish I knew so I could replicate it! I went to sleep a very happy momma.
All my best,
Amy

We did it!

We did it, we did it. We officially lowered the Chinese population by two today and increased the US by 2. They were sworn in today. I cried. Amy cried. Hope smiled. Amanda continued to bounce off the walls.

It was a good day.

We pick up the visas tomorrow afternoon and we really have to run to jump on the bus to HK! We are coming home my children!

We can NOT wait!

David

Last full day in China

It is our bedtime on Monday. Tuesday will be our last full day in Guangzhou. The girls get sworn in tomorrow (the consulate appt went fine today we were told). Then Wed. we pick up their paperwork and head for Hong Kong for our journey home. We can NOT wait to reunite our wonderful family!

David

Church!

Not sure when I will find internet connection again to actually send this, but it is Sunday evening here in Guangzhou. God continues to show is great mercies and blessings.

We praise Him that our new daughters (who still can’t talk to us) heard God’s word today for the first time and they got to hear it in their own language, from a Chinese pastor in a Chinese church filled with Chinese!

We praise Him and pray that this will awaken their hearts and help them see that He is the God of all peoples and not a God of “those” westerners.

God took us to a shop on Saturday where the shop owner was a Bible believing Christian and invited us to her church today.

His praise is felt from the inside out. There was no language barriers for Amy and I when His people praise Him. Amen!

As an added bonus Amy was carrying the church flyer around the market after the service (the flyer also only in Chinese) and she got to witness to a Chinese Catholic when she asked in broken English “what is the difference between a Catholic church and a Christian Church”. God used Amy! Tough enough to do in your own culture much less to someone with limited understanding of the religions and the language. God is Awesome!

Pray for Judy, the young lady who invited us to church. She is battling her own Buddhist family

Pray for Michelle, the young Catholic mom of a little baby with an unbelieving husband.

David and Amy

There’s No TB On ME!

Or on us, for that matter. The girls cleared their tests this morning. Poor Amanda walked to the clinic like she was going to death-row…I tried to explain in my limited Chinese that the man would only look at her arm and then we would walk away, but it wasn’t until we were cleared and I was jumping for joy (literally, mind you. Just ask my bio kids—I have been known to embarrass them on numerous occasions!) that she lightened her countenance.
Hope started the day actually offering me one of her biscuits from the 7-11 (our breakfast haunt) when I asked what was inside. I REALLY hoped that it was the sign of something good…but then she caught herself and went into the angry mode. We have explained that if she is being mean to us, she gets no tv. Boy-oh-boy did she put up a fight when we got back to the hotel room! BUT, we are bigger, and have longer arms, and will NOT be swayed by a teen’s temper-tantrum (once again, ask our bios!) so she pouted lying on the floor next to her bed all afternoon.
This evening is the same. Unfortunately Amanda also feels the brunt of Hope’s consequences, which she immediately pouts about. She doesn’t understand, but her response is not ideal, so hopefully she will glean something from this struggle for control.
This afternoon we wandered into a shop that had “stuff” for sale. I was intrigued by the pendants that said “mother-daughter” and “sister” and purchased a bunch for the kids. Amanda wants hers right away, Hope doesn’t want hers at all, but I am keeping them for when we get home. Through broken conversation between Chinese and English, I found out that the shop owner is a Christian, has been for 4 years, and showed me her bible and her favorite verses. It ends up that the White Swan has church on Sundays at 11 in both English and Chinese. That will be the main point of our day tomorrow! We got her card and told her that we would pray for her. Her whole family is Buddhist, which she prays for every day. I probably ended up paying too much for the pendants, but I didn’t want to enrage a fellow believer. 
I have received so many messages of encouragement and suggestions of how to weather these storms. We don’t have WiFi right now; I type at night and we send when we go to Starbucks in the morning, so I don’t have the time to respond to all of them. Thank you everyone for standing by me/us during this time. I feel like you are holding my arms up when I don’t have the strength to keep them high. Thank you .
All my best,
Amy

Drawing Near

Amanda had her first experience in a swimming pool! She was excited about the concept from the point of buying swimsuits, and today we “took the plunge!” Her eyes were wide and she clung tightly, but she followed me into the water on her own accord and allowed me to walk her around the pool both on her stomach AND on her back. She even allowed me to put her head onto the water as she looked at the ceiling. We played with balls and kickboards until she had such a shiver from the water temperature that I decided it was better to end on a good note than to push it farther. Before we exited the water I did have Amanda stand alone in the chest-deep water and walk around. Just as long as she was walking TOWARDS me, she was fine! Just as we finished showering, another family with young children came. I offered for us to go back into the pool, which Amanda considered, until she saw them do cannon balls into the water. Then it was time to go! She may trust me, but not enough to submerge her fully!!! I must admit, it felt good not only to hold her close, but also for her to trust me enough to enter the water. I have been told that many Chinese never submerge themselves—in pools, lakes, or otherwise. A co-worker of Dave’s said that his Chinese wife just submerged her face below the water’s surface for the first time last year! Even in the shower she does NOT like having the water on her face. And Amanda trusted me fully. I feel honored.
Later, we went to the airport. Dave had been nervous for days about this trip, and now he was living his fears. After having our checked luggage checked (we had a butterfly magnet in it that Amanda had painted!) we were denied access to the plane at the security checkpoint. They said that we needed their passports. We told them that we had their adoption paperwork (which we used for both flights until this point) and a copy of their passports (that were waiting for us in Guangzhou), AND we had called our guide to tell them in Chinese, but nothing worked. Dave’s fears were becoming reality. We were told that we had to go to a police station to get a temporary travel permit, but there was NO WAY we were going to be able to leave and return in time for the flight! It turns out that we needed to find a police station in the basement, but we needed to leave NOW. Dave was fluctuating between being red in the face to having the blood drain away, leaving him rather pale, and when I heard that they told us to go to a police station, my stomach dropped through the floor. It was then that I heard God’s voice in my heart: “Watch.” In an instant I knew that I had to choose, and since I was the one to hear His voice, my heart quieted. As Dave strode away from the counter not knowing what to do, I couldn’t help but smile, because God was going to have to show Himself BIG to get us out of this mess!
Within 15 seconds, a Chinese man stepped out of the security line and had asked us if we needed help. We gave him the short-answer details, and he instantly told us where we needed to go and what to do. He also said that since he had time before his flight, he would be happy to walk with us. For the next 20 minutes, he acted as our translator and guide. Even at the police station, when it didn’t look like they would grant us our temp. passports, he pleaded on our behalf. $10 later, we had the appropriate paperwork (that each guide in the other provinces should have given to us) and we were back in the security line.
“Richard” that works for Teledyne was our angel for the day! Dave was in tears after we parted ways; God again showed Himself faithful for guiding our paths. I am so thankful that this time I was able to trust Him…I really hope I can remember for the next wave that comes! I am also thankful that HE simply told me to “watch”, otherwise I might have missed His hand. Lord, I stand in AWE of you!
Side note, Richard mentioned that he and his wife have been considering adopting a child. They had one 10 yr old son, and had considered adoption as a way of having another. I hope that God will use us for his journey of adoption!
All my best,
Amy

My Heart Broke

Today we had our medical appointment in Guangzhou. We showed up at the hospital a few minutes early; our guide was more than a few minutes late. By this time the girls had heard several children scream in pain from the immunizations that were given, so they were on edge.
We found out that Amanda’s vision is not great and she may need glasses. I say “may” because their testing was inconclusive, and no matter what strength of lens they put in her glasses, she couldn’t do any better than when she was looking at the chart without glasses. Unfortunately, they either said or did something to scare or embarrass her, or just the stress of being in the hospital for so long was wearing on her, and she started to cry—hard. I spoke to the guide and told her that I wanted the testing to stop, that we would have her vision tested in the states. She translated, and the doctors said that they needed to continue to test to find out what her vision was to know what to write down. I riled, and told them it didn’t make any difference what they did to her eyes, it didn’t improve the vision at all, and they were only making her cry so she couldn’t see through the tears. I told them to write ANYTHING down, I didn’t care; I was taking my daughter. I fully expected backlash—but it didn’t come.
The immunizations were awful. Each girl needed 4 plus a TB test. Hope needed to get a Hep B shot, even though she sero-converted. When I questioned our guide, she agreed with me, but shrugged her shoulders. That was one battle she wasn’t willing to fight. Amanda cried horribly, and was red eyed for quite some time. Hope did ok, very little emotion.
Once we were released (two hours after we arrived) we went out to lunch at Lucy’s and then walked down by the water front. We went back to the hotel room and the girls watched some Chinese movie we bought for a few hours. Dave and I were getting stir-crazy, so we thought we would all go walk around and see what was in the area. Amanda had a melt-down! She was shaking and crying uncontrollably. We tried to get Hope to tell her that we weren’t going to the doctor’s again, but she wouldn’t. (she is selective about what she will obey) We got a person at the hotel’s front desk to tell Amanda that we were going to just walk around, but NO doctors, but Amanda wasn’t listening anymore. Customer service got involved, took us back to their office, consoled and tried to explain to Mandy that all was well, but she wouldn’t, couldn’t calm down. Finally we just went out of the hotel carrying a crying girl. First stop: Mc D’s for an ice cream cone. We shopped around for a new pair of pants for Amanda since she doesn’t have a pair that really fits, but the shops were way too expensive there. We bought some candied fruit on a stick for Mandy, walked in circles for a while, and finally found a cheap, back-alley place for dinner. So far, we are all doing well—no intestinal problems! Right about the time we got a table for dinner Amanda settled back to her impish ways. On the walk home, she was in full swing of attention seeking behavior! Even through the worst of her melt-down, she still held on to me, and her grip strengthened as she realized that we really weren’t going back for more shots.
I dread our return trip on Saturday to get their TB shot analyzed.
I am so angry with our politicians. I had contacted them repetitively months before coming about this silly Hague law. These children are treated like livestock—and livestock are not treated well in China! It was MANDATED that they get the flu vaccine, Hep B vaccination when none is needed, and all with questionable timing and viability of the vaccines used. Once we return home we will have blood titers drawn to find out what is good and what needs to be redone. I would love for our politicians to take their child or grandchild and put them through what my kids went through today. Perhaps something would be done for these children who have no voice and no rights at this point. Perhaps.
Enough soap box—we are all tucked in for the day.
Until tomorrow,
All my best,
Amy

Broken, but not Crushed

OK, today wasn't anything "abnormal" but that doesn't mean good.

AM as usual, wake-up, clean up, and breakfast. Amanda chose all pastries--that was fine, as yesterday was all meat. Weekly average, ya know?

We left immediately following breakfast for Dave's co-worker's house. He is an American, left US after college for China, learned the language and found a wife. Now lives in Shanghai with two kids and his in-laws live with him. The kids are off school so he invited us to spend the day.

His kids played and my kids watched, but it was different from the hotel, so it was ok. Other than the fact that their water was turned off for the day, which I found out AFTER I had a BM in their toilet. Had I known... :)

How's that for transparency!??!

Afterward, we went to Dave's  company's New year's party that started with Karaoke. HUGE here, the place was massive! My girls were well behaved and endured 3 hours of other people singing.

Upon a suggestion of a friend in Shanghai, we went to a grocery to buy Chinese snacks for the US. Comfort food for when we return home, although Hope decided that she wouldn't want ANYTHING. Amanda chose a few items, I chose more. Once again, upon the suggestion of my Chinese friend, I wanted Hope to choose some feminine products in case she needed them before we returned home.  At that point we  hit our lowest level. If she thought she could take me, I really think she would have assaulted me in the store! Thank God that I can lift more than the average Chinese male, which gave me the upper hand!!!

Hope no longer tolerates me--she treats me with utter disdain. She forcefully pulls away from me and refuses to look at me. There is blatant rejection.

I knew about this. It isn't a surprise. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

By the grace of God I have been able to hold on, demonstrating love when my flesh wants to recoil.

If God didn't show himself clearly, I  would seriously consider granting her wish to stay here.

However, I am in THE MOTHER MODE. When I was told to let my other daughter be, let her embrace being "average", let her follow the path of "less than", I held my ground for both me and her. Now I am doing the same. Hope may be thinking she wants to stay "how it was", but since I know that is bu sing, excuse me, impossible, I will hold on long enough and strong enough for the both of us. I KNOW that God orchestrated this adoption. I KNOW it wasn't an emotional response of my own doing. I knew back then that I would have to depend on that knowledge...now the rubber meets the road.

Amanda is presently rejecting David and clinging to me. I like it, but yet am exhausted by it at the same time. She is not an easy child. Hannah will feel challenged by her for quite some time. I pray that they will become friends as well as sisters, but I anticipate the road to be rocky.

Tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou in the afternoon. I hope to take Amanda swimming in the morning. I heard that it is normal for Chinese people to be deathly afraid of water if they haven't had the opportunity to immerse themselves. I see that in Hope. I don't think she has truly showered since we got her. Mandy, on the other hand, LOVES the water and is indignant that she can't have an hour bath both AM and PM!!!

I pray that God will continue to give me the grit and determination to continue to show love to Hope when everything in me is screaming to recoil and preserve.

I pray that Amanda will be saved from the anger and bitterness coming from Hope.

I pray that their TB tests on Thursday will show negative, so we can come home soon.

Until then,

All my best,

Amy

PS If anyone wants to help another adoptive parent, there is another MI mom that is desperately trying to gather the funds to get her child. I don't have the address as I am writing, but I will try to include it in another post. I believe that it is a tax-deferred donation. Every $10 helps; I know! We have incurred 2k more on this trip than anticipated, due to our wonderful US government. I am not asking for help for us anymore; if you want to help a  family in need, please let me know. Otherwise, I will include the address for donating in my next post. Think about it...2 1/2 foo-foo coffees, 3-4 packages of Oreos, 4 2L of Coke, JUST THE EXTRAS!!! Would you be willing to "fast" from a luxury for a week to help another mom? Wouldn't you want someone else to do the same?

Guilt plus Godliness---what a mix!

A~

Squeezed Dry

The past 48 hours have been so full of ups and downs I am becoming dizzy.

On Sunday we heard that there was a place nearby to do laundry that was cheaper than the hotel, so we loaded up our dirty clothes and made the trek with the girls in tow. 6 blocks of walking later we found it, but since we didn't want to wait until Wednesday to pick it up, it would have cost us $3 a shirt to have things cleaned. Granted, the hotel charged $2 for a pair of underwear, but it still was too expensive to get things done for the four of us. After the walk back to the hotel, we went back out to a market to find the clothing in sizes to fit all of us. At first Hope refused to agree to anything, so I bought the sizes and colors that I thought would work. Amanda was VERY clear on what she wanted!!! We found/God led us to a vendor's stall that had a younger girl selling shirts who spoke both Chinese and English. She got Hope to agree to one shirt, and when I encouraged her to buy another, the seller had the wits to tell Hope that the second one was free, so Hope readily agreed to another. When we got done haggling on the price, I had to run back and hug her neck and thank her! She got my daughter to be more compliant than I ever could!

After that we bought swimsuits at a local store for the girls and I to use the hotel pool, but Hope totally shut down. she wouldn't try anything on, she wouldn't choose a color, she wouldn't even look at the suits or at us. Amanda was overjoyed with the prospect of going swimming, so she is very excited about being able to use the new suit!

When we get back to the hotel Hope took a 2 hour nap. I figured that she needed it, and thought it would put her in a better mood. The evening went on without a big problem, Hope watched a movie we bought for her until about 11 PM, and slept in her clothes (again). 

Monday morning Dave went to work and the girls and I woke up reasonably late. From the first few moments of being awake, Hope set the tone for the morning. She was having an extreme-moody day, wouldn't hardly look at me, and moped around the room. Amanda was hopping on one foot around the room, so I was eager to get out to breakfast! A friend on mine invited us over to her house to spend the day, which I was excited to do because I never thought I would ever see her again, but also because Helen was born in Hong Kong (thus spoke Cantonese) but had married a Chinese man and now lives in Shanghai ( and spoke Mandarin). She would be my "translator" for both my girls! Unfortunately, Hope did NOT like the idea, and flatly refused to leave the hotel room. Bless her heart, Helen had sent her driver to our hotel, and while he sat downstairs waiting for us, Helen talked to Hope for AN HOUR trying to "convince" her to come out to her place. Thankfully, Hope agreed, probably because Helen said we could do laundry at her place and I needed her help carrying the laundry. When I found that out I grabbed what I could and headed out the door...I should have brought it all, but I did NOT want Hope to change her mind while I was grabbing the last of the laundry!

We spent the whole day with Helen. She conversed with both the girls; I found out more about Hope and her life in China than I had until this point, Hope seemed to enjoy talking to Helen and even Amanda was responsive and fairly respectful. Helen let the girls ride her boys' scooters, which was a first for both of them, but the girls had a blast! they must have scootered in front of the house for almost an hour! I heard about what God is doing in China with the ex-pat community and with the ayis, how her children are doing both in Canada (at Queens University) and in Shanghai, etc, etc. When we finally came home, I had really hoped that we were all in a good mood and the rebellious nature was left behind. I was WRONG!

This time David saw what I had described. Between flatly ignoring us to refusing to do what we requested, she was becoming more insolent by the moment. Amanda was bouncing off the walls, laughing at everything, (do you remember the movie "Gremlins"? I liken her to that...not when they become violent, mind you, but one step before.) but yet noticing Hopes reactions (or lack thereof) and would watch us wide-eyed to see what we would do. It feels like a circus here, and I am a tube of toothpaste that an elephant has stepped on...squeezed out and dry, but needing to do it all over again tomorrow...and the next day...and the next...for over another week in China! I feel like I may have more leverage in the US, but here I am stuck, trampled, clueless.

On a positive note, Amanda is bonding with me more and more. She reaches for my hand unprompted, when faced with a stranger talking to her or an unknown situation, she will hide behind me, and she is trying to please. As tiring as she can be, I know that it is a good thing!

Tonight is almost done--Amanda is sleeping next to me and Hope is in the bathroom ( and has been for the past 45 minutes...for someone who doesn't want to shower, she certainly seems to stay a long time!). Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to hold on to that hope for my Hope.

Please pray for us.

All my best,

Amy

The Wall

I think Hope has hit it...and keeps on bumping her head.

We started yesterday morning in good spirits, but when it became time to leave Nanning Hope became very quiet and negative; every question was answered with "no". Unfortunately, our flight was delayed so we sat for quite a long time in the airport. Gone were the smiles, the willingness to play "tic-tac-toe", the desire to eat or drink. When we were in the air she lightened up a bit, and returned to herself by the time we got to the hotel. I thought it was all behind us, but I was wrong.

Friday stared fine; Dave went to work before we woke up, and the girls and I had a lazy morning sleeping in. Breakfast was fine, although Hope insisted on using knife and fork for her bacon. :) After breakfast, (which was around 11 am!) I asked Hope for her opinion on where to go. She chose (yea! she had an opinion!) the aquarium, and we went. Both Amanda and Hope had fun with the interactive screens; they "pushed buttons" on the screens playing games and doing puzzles for about 90 minutes! We wandered through the exhibits and had a good time, but soon I noticed that Hope was pulling back. Amanda was raring to go, so I kept and eye and a hand on her while trying to reach out to Hope, but she pulled farther away, both emotionally and physically. The aquarium was fantastic; we saw so many interesting species, plus feeding of the sharks, stingrays and other aquatic animals. (all overhead and next to us, as we were in the "tunnels"!)

When we finished the exhibits we ended in the gift shop, which I wasn't interested in, although I did offer to get the girls something, which they refused. There was the food court also, which I offered since it was 3 PM, but Hope refused. Once we got outside, I tried to find a restaurant, but Hope didn't want any of them. Since everything was in Chinese, I needed her cooperation to order, so I figured that we would go back to the hotel and find a bakery. That way I could point and choose!

When we got back, we did make the trek to a bakery around the corner and I let both girls choose what they wanted (BTW, bakeries in China have lunch items, not just sweets). We then went across the street to get some soft drinks, once again letting them choose their own. Amanda chose, Hope refused, but I bought two of everything Amanda chose. When we got back to the hotel room, both girls ate their food, as they were very hungry at this time. Mandy ate one item, Hope ate three, one of which was quite large. I told her that we were planning on going to dinner in 90 minutes, but she chose to keep eating. This was for a purpose, I later realized.

We were supposed to go out with a co-worker of David's for dinner, but traffic was HORRIBLE and after driving for 90 minutes, she decided to go home and meet us tomorrow. David finally got home after being in a taxi for 2 hours and said it was time for dinner. Hope refused. She kept on packing and re-packing her backpack, which only contained books and two winter coats. Dave finally went out to eat with Mandy at Mc D's, I stayed at home with Hope. She crumpled, crying silently, and wouldn't respond for at least 30 minutes. When she finally did move, she hid behind a chair. The next hour was just her and I together; Hope crying or ignoring me, Me praying fervently for her and us or weeping for her. My heart felt like it would break, as she was so overcome by grief. She understands the written word better than the spoken, so I kept writing notes to her, asking if I did anything wrong, why she was sad, offering suggestions of what she may be feeling or why she might be sad, telling her over and over that I loved her and would love her always; she only shook her head "no" with every note.

Hope finally started playing the music we bought for her, and Dave and Mandy came back from Mc D's. Mandy was happy with her happy meal toy, and kept trying to get my attention. She noticed Hope's crying, and was concerned, but was more interested in getting attention in any way possible. It was then that Dave gave me the "reprieve" to go to the lounge and write on the blog.

Right now my heart is continually breaking for Hope. Hailey wrote her a note saying how much she loved her and has always wanted a sister close in age, and how Hope is an answer to her prayers. I know that I have prayed for Hope for months, and the desire to adopt an older child that stared WAY before we found our Hope has been made alive. Mandy sees Hope's raw emotions and gets her cues from her...but is not certain why this other girl is so sad. Hope is grieving...hard! I only wish I could hug it away and make it better. I love this girl almost as much as my own flesh and blood...yes, I will be honest and say "almost", because there still is a difference, but the amount of love I feel for her is huge and growing every day. God has done a work in my heart to make it grow and expand beyond I could have imagined just a few years ago. I would speculate that He did it to include my China daughters.

Although this post has been predominantly about Hope, I won't neglect my other daughter here. Mandy is learning so much...she is as smart as a whip but yet less aware of limits. Unfortunately Dave has laughed at every antic of hers, and now finds her attention-seeking to be less than desirable. Mandy LOVES Dave, and would choose him over me any minute of the day. Mandy does like me, however, and will seek my attention and my approval. We had a good morning doing crafts together--painting and glitter art and playdoh. Or, I should say, I worked the too-dry-and-more-like-crumbly-plastic-stuff than Play-doh...I think it will be more workable tomorrow. I spent over an hour working it, not to mention that my hands turned smurf-blue when working the blue playdoh, even after three vigorous hand-washings! Anyway, Mandy seems to be wanting me; she grabbed my hands and arms when going through a part of the aquarium that had a rainforest sound, accompanied by a rainstorm...she did NOT like it and was quite frightened!! She also hid behind me when seeing sea-life that looked scary to her...I figure that if she is using me to hide behind, she sees me a someone that will keep her safe. That is money in the emotional bank, in my opinion.

I should keep a journal, as this writing has been very therapeutic. I don't know if someday Hope and Mandy will read this. I just know that getting the thoughts and emotions down helps. No wonder why my sister and my daughter Hailey journal so much! I do know that God has brought me and Dave here for a reason. I do know that God and God alone has increased my love for these girls beyond my understanding. If Hope and Mandy do read this someday, I hope that they realize that, even though I made and continue to make mistakes, I loved them SO MUCH even in these beginning days, and I KNOW that is will be multiplying in the days to come.

Why do I share all of this? Maybe for my daughters, so they can one day look back and know. Maybe for another adoptive parent, who is walking the same path. Maybe for someone else, who, faced with some challenge that only God knows, may glean some encouragement. I don't know why, but I just need to be obedient to the One who made all of this happen. He is the one who raises beauty from ashes...and if that doesn't describe my life, I don't know what does!!!

To Him who is Worthy,

All my best,

Amy